how do I say . . .
I was surprised when I woke up this morning . . . because I don't remember falling asleep last night. I remember lying in bed with my headphones on, practically crying myself to sleep and nearly calling my dear old friend for consolation at 1am. The crying myself to sleep part was simply because I was lonely for my dear old friend and wishing that things could go back to the way that they have been in the past. why do I do that . . . . !?
It simply doesn't make sense to me because . . . the way things were in the past, I was still lonely. It amazes me how I could be walking through a sea of people . . . all of them offering me encouragement and smiles, and I would still feel lonely because the one or two people who my heart strings are tied to aren't in that sea of people. Why can't I be content with shallow relationships? Why don't I find peace and consolation in my family? I wish that I could confide in them with the dark days that I encounter . . . but I just don't. I have always felt like my life was a mystery to my family . . . like they don't really understand who I am . . . what i am, who I love and what I love.
alas . . . I must learn to put more faith in them.
there's a picture that I cherish. it's of my family when I was about 5. everyone is standing in a tight-knit, straight posture, don't blink sort of way . . .everyone except for me. I'm standing on one foot, leaning away from the group, thumbs through my belt loops . . . huge grin on my face. It's just how I've always been. I've always been close to my family, but not really doing the same things that they are.
There's a reason that I have come to this crossing in my life now. I guess I throw my thoughts out to the world because I have felt, at times, that I'm on my own in this battle. There's not much that family and friends can do for me now . . . I have to bring myself back to life, one day at a time.
I guess that's why this is called cocoon. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a place for me to grow. I have to control my thoughts and post the things that will bring peace to my state at this time. I don't want to be putting dark, poisonous things into my growing place, or else I will simply find myself in a dark, poisonous place.
I'm off to seek light things. Wish me well.
posted by Emily @ 8:58 AM
2 Comments:
I think that there must be a quiet angel standing watch over each cocoon, each instinct-driven and faith-filled soul in process. It's no good for those who love you to "help" by prying your change-sac open and setting you "free"; most of us learned that awful lesson as grade-schoolers eager for butterflies and fuzzy chicks. But still, there's that tender and curious urge. I myself love to study cocoons, metamorphosis, and emergence, despite the ticklish temptation to interfere. I have been known to spend inordinate amounts of time gazing and waiting, gazing, waiting, and imagining. As one of those little fish in your vast sea of friends and acquaintances, I happen to know you were beautiful before you climbed into your close chamber. I'm sure you'll be even more stunning after you've torn your way out. Funny how with humans it's a never-ending cycle of transformation. Bugs and birds have it pretty easy, all things considered.
I'm familiar with the experience of crying myself to sleep, of wanting to go to bed and shut out whenever there are difficult things I can't handle or don't want to greet. I like to cocoon, in fact I love it because I find peace and feel safe in that little nest, it shields me from the buzz of people around me.
It makes sense, I feel somewhat detached from my family as well. I feel that they do not understand me, I hide my real self to me, from them. I don't shed skin to them. I dare not.
We should not be contented with shallow relationships, because we're not that superficial, really. We run deeper than we think, that's why we write and blog like that. Shall we learn to swing with Fear and open up to people who really matter? I don't know how to, we just got to try and go slow. Baby steps mate.
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