maybe it's got nothing to do with me

I know a girl

she puts the color inside of my world

but she's just like a maze

where all of the walls all continually change

and I've done all I can

to stand on her steps with my heart in my hands

now I'm starting to see

maybe it's got nothing to do with me

--John Mayer

of course, mr. mayer would be the one to write such beautiful lines as these. daughters has been an album favorite since the first time I listened to heavier things, but these lyrics struck me this morning. The most prominent, pressing issue to me is the way that certain relationships are going for me right now. I've found myself puzzled and confused by the sudden shutting out that I have experienced before in my life. I have found it difficult to understand why, after becoming deeply acquainted with someone . . . feeling new color and dimension entering into my life . . . seeing them come to me with their everyday rejoicings and complaints . . . getting to the point where you can finish each other's sentences . . . why, or I guess how, does that person suddenly turn and shut the door behind them? The questions that strike everyone in this situation are "is it me that they're shutting out? what have I done wrong? how can I fix this?"

so, now I'm trying to see that maybe it's got nothing to do with me

maybe, when a person shuts the door to me, they're not shutting me out . . .they're shutting something much deeper and much more complicated out. Their intent is not to hurt or alienate me . . . their intent is to remain comfortable in their own controlled space. whenever we allow somebody else into our innermost feelings and thoughts, we are taking a risk. at times, someone may come into our life . . . win our trust, and then turn around and betray that trust. the next person who makes an attempt to enter into our world is going to have to pass many a tests of worthiness . . . and then once they enter, they are going to be watched closely for even the slightest crossing of our lines. I guess I crossed a line . . . but I didn't know that the line was there . . .therefore, I am trying to leave the matter in the opposite party's hands. I have done all I can to stand on their steps with my heart in my hand . . . so now, it's up to them.

there. doesn't that sound rational?

now, the struggle is doing it. gotta do it. my heart has been through enough during this process . . . it needs a break for a while. that's why I look forward to spending time with good people who I know I can love and trust without fear of rejection. it's good to have friends that aren't afraid to say they love you.

and now . . . upon exit, allow me to introduce you to an extremely addicting game.