time will only tell

Hello all.
So sorry for my recent quietude. Luckily, for now . . .no news is just normal news. My days have been pretty mono-tone the past couple of weeks, with the exception of a few anti-social/"don't look at me or ask me how I am" days. Yesterday Dr. J diagnosed me with "recurring major depression". I've been diagnosed with clinical depression before . . . but there's a difference between the two. with the recurring problem, I'm fairly stable for a time, but then I can turn bad within a matter of hours. I can't explain it . . . it's just really random. Unfortunately for me, when I hit a low . . . it's really low. I'm hoping that a switch in medication will help . . . even though the medication that I'm currently on has been very helpful for almost 10 years now, I guess my chemical makeup has just changed recently.

sheesh. why I just posted all of that in cyber space . . . I don't know. I'll leave it as it is for now though.

I really feel like my world has been pretty uneventful the past little bit. I spend much of my time focusing on my Algebra homework (blargh!) - but luckily the homework is paying off and I'm doing well in the class.

One thing that's been a bit puzzling to me lately is the emotional distance that I seem to keep from my family. For some reason, and it's a mystery to me, I just don't share feelings with my family. I've always been the quiet one. Whenever I have a problem, I don't want to go to a sibling, or even a parent in most cases. I was talking to Dr. J about it, and he encouraged me to rethink my stance in that arena . . . but I was totally squirming in my chair when he suggested it. I feel really silly at times, not wanting to spend time with my family, not wanting to do things with my sisters, not wanting to tell my mom or dad about the boy that I like or the interesting things that I'm learning in school. If I ever had a crush on a boy, my family would be the last people to know. I realize that i'm not alone in this mentality . . .there are a lot of people in the world that aren't close to their families, but it just doesn't feel right to me . . .especially since my family is so tight-knit. This is a group of people that really should know me better than anyone . . .and in some aspects, they do. But, there are so many parts of me that they've never even seen. I'm a mystery to them at times . . . and I want it to be that way. I'm just so stubborn. I know that I should open up to them because in years to come, they will be a huge support to me, but dang it . . .I just don't want to open up! Argh! so frustrating.

I guess I'll just keep thinking about it. Really soul search as I try to figure out why I feel the way I do.

I think I'll close with that. Not much else to say. Time will only tell, as I said.