conflict

I've never dealt with conflict well. No, not at all. When I face conflict I can feel the tension build up in my chest. I can't describe it, but it's a bad feeling . . . and it doesn't leave until I feel that the conflict has been resolved.

I guess that I'm a sensitive person. I value peace and harmony more than anything else. I hate to see people fight and argue. I hate myself when I hold dislike for someone in my heart. And the hard part is that as much as I dislike being out of harmony with others, I dislike trying to resolve those issues even more. Just stab my heart with a spoon and twist . . . it feels better than confrontation to me.

I'm not sure why this is such a sore spot for me. Perhaps I learned growing up that it's better to shut it all in than to force it out. Perhaps it's just because of my personality - my white personality.

I was having a fun night out tonight when I ran into a friend of mine. A friend who I have an unresolved issue with. I've been trying to call her and text her in regards to this issue, but she has evaded my calls. So tonight I went right up to her and said in a friendly manner "can I get ________ from you?" to which she replied "oh yeah, we need to discuss that." As if to say "yeah, I know that you want _______, but I have a bone to pick with you". What bone she has to pick with me, I don't know. Am I nervous to "discuss" the issue with her? YES!

I think that tonight I'll pray for courage, understanding, and a sense of peace. Like I said, unresolved conflict = discomfort for me. No good. I want to sleep well tonight.

*sigh* time to pray