maybe it's got nothing to do with me

I know a girl

she puts the color inside of my world

but she's just like a maze

where all of the walls all continually change

and I've done all I can

to stand on her steps with my heart in my hands

now I'm starting to see

maybe it's got nothing to do with me

--John Mayer

of course, mr. mayer would be the one to write such beautiful lines as these. daughters has been an album favorite since the first time I listened to heavier things, but these lyrics struck me this morning. The most prominent, pressing issue to me is the way that certain relationships are going for me right now. I've found myself puzzled and confused by the sudden shutting out that I have experienced before in my life. I have found it difficult to understand why, after becoming deeply acquainted with someone . . . feeling new color and dimension entering into my life . . . seeing them come to me with their everyday rejoicings and complaints . . . getting to the point where you can finish each other's sentences . . . why, or I guess how, does that person suddenly turn and shut the door behind them? The questions that strike everyone in this situation are "is it me that they're shutting out? what have I done wrong? how can I fix this?"

so, now I'm trying to see that maybe it's got nothing to do with me

maybe, when a person shuts the door to me, they're not shutting me out . . .they're shutting something much deeper and much more complicated out. Their intent is not to hurt or alienate me . . . their intent is to remain comfortable in their own controlled space. whenever we allow somebody else into our innermost feelings and thoughts, we are taking a risk. at times, someone may come into our life . . . win our trust, and then turn around and betray that trust. the next person who makes an attempt to enter into our world is going to have to pass many a tests of worthiness . . . and then once they enter, they are going to be watched closely for even the slightest crossing of our lines. I guess I crossed a line . . . but I didn't know that the line was there . . .therefore, I am trying to leave the matter in the opposite party's hands. I have done all I can to stand on their steps with my heart in my hand . . . so now, it's up to them.

there. doesn't that sound rational?

now, the struggle is doing it. gotta do it. my heart has been through enough during this process . . . it needs a break for a while. that's why I look forward to spending time with good people who I know I can love and trust without fear of rejection. it's good to have friends that aren't afraid to say they love you.

and now . . . upon exit, allow me to introduce you to an extremely addicting game.

i've seen that smile before . . .

I got to see one of my dearest friends get married forever yesterday. It was a beautiful occasion. I guess it was particularly special to me because I remember a time - almost 2 years ago - when I had just met this friend, and I had the opportunity to train her as a new missionary for the church. We were together 24/7 . . . literally.

I remember one of the first times we went tracting. It was freezing outside. She was bundled up as tight as she could be, but she was still miserable. Needless to say, we didn't tract a whole lot during our companionship. There were a few days when mother nature dumped a lot of snow on our little town and we had to stay inside for the day. We always tried to find ways to be productive on those days.

Our favorite place was cracker barrel. Pancakes became a staple.

So, why am I writing all of this? I guess because seeing this friend get married was a beautiful moment for me. I still feel a motherly instinct for her because when she came to me as a missionary, she was brand new in the field. In a sense, I gave birth to her. I take no credit for her success as a missionary . . . she was an amazing missionary before she even knew my name, but I do hope . . .as any parent does . . . that she knows how much love and respect I have for her. Unconditional love is a beautiful thing . . . and I have it for her.

So, I'm grateful for the happy day that she could have yesterday. It was happy for me as well. The greatest part of the occasion was the huge grin on her face. Practically perfect pearly whites, shining so bright along with the rest of her outfit. They both looked so white . . . her and her sweetheart. shining white.

and I knew
.............that she
.......was meant to be
.................with him
.....for Eternity

the importance of morning

I made a discovery yesterday. I was sitting outside with a friend, trying to work through the awkward lulls in conversation that have been far too frequent lately . . . and I looked up at the sky. it was so blue. I looked at the sky, and the buildings, and the sky again . . .and I could feel the natural calming blue of the sky creeping into me through my eyes and soothing my troubled spirit. It was a good feeling. It changed the course of my day. AM was bad, PM was good.

last night I showered before I went to bed so that if I woke up late this morning I would be able to get ready quickly and mosie on over to work in a timely fashion. with the depression I've been going through lately, it's been near impossible to wake up in the mornings. it's just another symptom that my mind is trying to process black . . . and it's too caught up in the moment to hear the alarm when it rings. luckily for me though, it wasn't hard to get out of bed today. I believe that the blue sky moment yesterday really changed something in me. before the blue sky moment, I knew what I needed to do to kick this bout of depression . . .but the depression was so strong that I didn't have the motivation to do what I needed to do. after the moment, I felt a tiny bit of motivation again. I stretched my happy muscles and started back on the journey of climbing out of the hole. that's the only way I can explain it. I feel like the black is finally starting to dissipate, and maybe now I can catch some sunlight in my days.

I'm looking forward to a good weekend. I've come to realize over the course of my life that your mind set can make all the difference in how you are. a depressed individual honestly can't find the strength to be happy . . . it seems an impossible task. but it sure is nice when the clouds break for a moment and that person is able to squeeze enough energy out of the moment to boot themselves up again.

I'm off to see the wizard now . . .the wizard of the human psyche. Dr. J is a good man. He helps me sort out a lot of emotions. It will be good to just sit and chat for a while.

how do I say . . .

I was surprised when I woke up this morning . . . because I don't remember falling asleep last night. I remember lying in bed with my headphones on, practically crying myself to sleep and nearly calling my dear old friend for consolation at 1am. The crying myself to sleep part was simply because I was lonely for my dear old friend and wishing that things could go back to the way that they have been in the past. why do I do that . . . . !?

It simply doesn't make sense to me because . . . the way things were in the past, I was still lonely. It amazes me how I could be walking through a sea of people . . . all of them offering me encouragement and smiles, and I would still feel lonely because the one or two people who my heart strings are tied to aren't in that sea of people. Why can't I be content with shallow relationships? Why don't I find peace and consolation in my family? I wish that I could confide in them with the dark days that I encounter . . . but I just don't. I have always felt like my life was a mystery to my family . . . like they don't really understand who I am . . . what i am, who I love and what I love.

alas . . . I must learn to put more faith in them.

there's a picture that I cherish. it's of my family when I was about 5. everyone is standing in a tight-knit, straight posture, don't blink sort of way . . .everyone except for me. I'm standing on one foot, leaning away from the group, thumbs through my belt loops . . . huge grin on my face. It's just how I've always been. I've always been close to my family, but not really doing the same things that they are.

There's a reason that I have come to this crossing in my life now. I guess I throw my thoughts out to the world because I have felt, at times, that I'm on my own in this battle. There's not much that family and friends can do for me now . . . I have to bring myself back to life, one day at a time.

I guess that's why this is called cocoon. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a place for me to grow. I have to control my thoughts and post the things that will bring peace to my state at this time. I don't want to be putting dark, poisonous things into my growing place, or else I will simply find myself in a dark, poisonous place.

I'm off to seek light things. Wish me well.

new day

life presents new thrills each day. One day we may be looking for something so simple as a smile . . .others it may be the building of an eiffel tower on our behalf.

today . . . I woke up with a smile on my face. it's been a while. my masochistic view on life caught up with me . . .and I found myself scraping for something positive to soak in. as it has all caught up with me, I have found just the simple breath of life as that one positive thing to soak in.

so, i'm trying. this will be my sounding board. i'm trying to find the pink in me . . . the happiness that I know is there.

here it is.