from a basement on the hill

blogging has been in the far corners of my brain the past week or so - but it’s been hard to know what to say - in all honesty. Sometimes, life seems so uneventful that it’s hard to think of things to say. I did want to write about an important event tonight though.

One year ago, something pretty significant happened. Significant to me - and also to many other people. On the 21st of October, 2003 - I flew home from Tennessee. I cried as I kissed the green goodbye. It was hard. Little did I know, as that part of my life was dying - another very important person was dying - all the way across the country.

The first time I heard Elliott Smith’s voice - he was on the Oscars. I remember being so impressed by the courage of the guy in a white tux with nothing to guard his fragile image except for a well-worn guitar. He stood there, on behalf of the Goodwill Hunting Soundtrack - and he sang “miss misery”. Sandwiched inbetween performances by Trisha Yearwood and Celine Dion - the odd placement of his performance was almost comical. I didn’t pay much attention to the song - I remember enjoying it though. I didn’t hear from him again until October of that year. 1998. I was on my way to class. Sitting at a stop light - Waltz #2(xo) came over the radio. It was catchy. Had me hypnotized. The man in the white tux had completely slipped from my memory - but I was really liking the man that was singing to me through the radio. I went home that afternoon and looked Elliott up through my dial-up connection. I browsed the songs that cdnow had clips of - and I was convinced that I wanted to hear more. As soon as I could, I called my dear friend and asked him for a lift to the store to get my hands on some more of Elliott. As we drove home - Sweet Adeline took me over, and it was love at first listen.

The coming year was full of growing respect and love for Elliott and his music. I remember sitting at work - where I answered the order lines for a large company - sitting there and just humming elliott into my headset. Elliott was the first cd that I ever bought on a whim. Not knowing much about his music - only hearing a song on the radio. It was a shot in the dark, but it was well worth it, if you asked me.

So, as I was saying - October 21,2003. Important day. Elliott passed from this life last year on October 21st. He took his own life - after battling with major depression/drug addiction/issues from his childhood for many, many years.

I’m positive that he will be another Nick Drake. Someone who only has a small cult following while their heart beats upon the earth - then suddenly admired by millions years after they pass from this life.

This Tuesday, the 19th - Elliott’s last CD “From a basement on the hill” was released. He was recording a double album when he died. Luckily, for our listening pleasure - he was able to lay down enough material for a full-length album. It’s beautiful. Some of his best work. Heaven knows how his life was those past few months - but from the artwork included in this cd - it looks like he was on a roller-coaster. He is missed by many. True talent seemed to flow through his veins.

I never got to see elliott perform live - although I did try once. Tickets went faster than I could get the money to purchase one - and the night of the show there were no ticket sellers outside the venue. I guess that's probably been the hardest part of his death for me to accept. I wanted so badly to see his face and hear his voice at least once - but I am grateful for the music that I have been able to enjoy through the comfort of my headphones.

everything is gone but the echo of the burst of a shell
and i'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
in the city i built up and blew to hell
i'm stuck here waiting for a passing feeling
still i sinned all the time
my request for relief
down the dead power lines
though i'm beyond belief
in the help i require
just to exist at all
took a long time to stand
took an hour to fall.

-- Elliott Smith

blargh

man, I've got a head cold worth talkin' about today. I felt it coming on yesterday . . . progressively getting worse as the day rolled on. This morning when I woke up, I could barely get to my alarm because I was so dizzy from the pressure. sheesh! Thank goodness it's Friday. I was hoping to get out and do something adventurous tonight, but I think that I'll end up staying in and enjoying a good show whilst I practice my newly learned continental knitting technique.

I finally got the name of a new anti-depressant from my doctor this morning. It's called cymbalta. Cymbalta helps restore both serotonin and norepinephrine in the brain . . . whereas the current medication that I'm on only helps restore serotonin. My therapist thinks that at this stage, I may be needing a boost in norepinephrine as well, so I'm going to try Cymbalta. I sure hope it works. Here's crossing our fingers.

now, if only they had something to cure the common cold!

you know, I hope that my random ramblings about the throes of depression can be an inspiration to somebody out there who may be struggling with the same issues. I know that sometimes it's good to know that you're not alone in the world . . .that there are other people out there who have been through similar experiences. I hope that my little corner of the universe has been a respite for some simple soul out there.

And now, for something new . . . would you like to know what's been on the menu today as far as music is concerned? If you don't care, then you can just close your window and get on with it . . but if you do care, then that's great! If you are a fellow musicaholic, I would love to hear what makes you tick.

This morning I woke up with an urge to hear some Radiohead . . . specifically the song "Packt like sardines in a crushd tin box." great song. love it.

I rolled into work and listened to amnesiac a few times as I went about my various tasks . . . and then I switched over Rufus Wainwright. He's a fairly old favorite. I'll never forget the day that I heard him for the first time. Foolish love went straight to my heart and the rest is history. So, I've been listening to Poses and his self-titled album the past while. Good tunes for a good day . . . Friday!

Now, I think I'll drift off into a few more stitches whilst I listen to Pyramid Song. So surreal. mmmmm . . .

time will only tell

Hello all.
So sorry for my recent quietude. Luckily, for now . . .no news is just normal news. My days have been pretty mono-tone the past couple of weeks, with the exception of a few anti-social/"don't look at me or ask me how I am" days. Yesterday Dr. J diagnosed me with "recurring major depression". I've been diagnosed with clinical depression before . . . but there's a difference between the two. with the recurring problem, I'm fairly stable for a time, but then I can turn bad within a matter of hours. I can't explain it . . . it's just really random. Unfortunately for me, when I hit a low . . . it's really low. I'm hoping that a switch in medication will help . . . even though the medication that I'm currently on has been very helpful for almost 10 years now, I guess my chemical makeup has just changed recently.

sheesh. why I just posted all of that in cyber space . . . I don't know. I'll leave it as it is for now though.

I really feel like my world has been pretty uneventful the past little bit. I spend much of my time focusing on my Algebra homework (blargh!) - but luckily the homework is paying off and I'm doing well in the class.

One thing that's been a bit puzzling to me lately is the emotional distance that I seem to keep from my family. For some reason, and it's a mystery to me, I just don't share feelings with my family. I've always been the quiet one. Whenever I have a problem, I don't want to go to a sibling, or even a parent in most cases. I was talking to Dr. J about it, and he encouraged me to rethink my stance in that arena . . . but I was totally squirming in my chair when he suggested it. I feel really silly at times, not wanting to spend time with my family, not wanting to do things with my sisters, not wanting to tell my mom or dad about the boy that I like or the interesting things that I'm learning in school. If I ever had a crush on a boy, my family would be the last people to know. I realize that i'm not alone in this mentality . . .there are a lot of people in the world that aren't close to their families, but it just doesn't feel right to me . . .especially since my family is so tight-knit. This is a group of people that really should know me better than anyone . . .and in some aspects, they do. But, there are so many parts of me that they've never even seen. I'm a mystery to them at times . . . and I want it to be that way. I'm just so stubborn. I know that I should open up to them because in years to come, they will be a huge support to me, but dang it . . .I just don't want to open up! Argh! so frustrating.

I guess I'll just keep thinking about it. Really soul search as I try to figure out why I feel the way I do.

I think I'll close with that. Not much else to say. Time will only tell, as I said.