Feist

a little over a month ago Micah brought me a stack of precious CD's - all new artists that he had found over the course of a few weeks. He was so excited to share them with me - each CD had meant so much to his tired heart. I enjoyed every minute of our music exchange and I have since been loving all of the music that he shared with me. I will have to dedicate another post to sharing a few more songs, but there is one artist that has been constantly playing over the past month.

Feist has worked her musical magic on my listening ears and now I'm hooked. You may have seen her on the newest TV ad for the iPod Nano singing "1 2 3 4". That song and "The Park" have been my two favorite songs off of her latest album.

"The Park" was the first Feist song that Micah played for me - knowing of course that I would be hooked. As many times as I've listened to this beautiful song, I didn't bother looking up the lyrics and truly understanding it until yesterday. Here, have a look and a listen:

Why should he come back through the park?
You thought that you saw him but no you did not
It's not him who'd come across
The sea to surprise you
Not him who would know
Where in London to find you

With sadness so real that it populates
The city and leaves you homeless again
Steam from the cup and snow on the path
The seasons have changed from present to past

The past
The past
Turns whole to half
The past

Why should he come back through the park?
You thought that you saw him but no you did not
Who can be sure of anything through
The distance that keeps you
From knowing the truth

Why would you think your boy could become
The man who could make you sure he was the one?

The one
My one
My one

The lyrics caught me by surprise. I know what she's talking about. That irrational feeling when someone is on your mind - you swear that you see them in places they wouldn't normally be. You could be separated by an ocean and you still have this idea in your mind that they're going to pop in one day and surprise you. You trick yourself into thinking that they're just as busy thinking about you as you are about them. And although we wish and hope and pray that this particular someone will come around, that they'll turn into that person who will fill your sorrowing heart . . . well, it doesn't happen.

The lyrics took me a while back - and it was comforting to know that she has experienced a similar feeling. The song is terribly sad - but oh so beautiful. And, as I mentioned before, another favorite is "1 2 3 4". Just so that I can leave things on a happy note (because I have been extraordinarily happy these last few days) I will include the video to this one. It's great. Enjoy :)

On My Mind

Lack of sleep
Geo
Matt
Stats
Lucas
Knee is hurting again
Weight training
BodyBugg Envy
iPhone hacks
Food logs
vacuuming up after Lucas
His favorite chew toy has lasted about 6 months now . . . wonder how much longer it will persevere.


I plan to write more soon. The past 2 nights have been 2AM nights - which means that the annoying tick in my neck has come back. It's brought on by stress and lack of sleep. So - I definitely need to be more careful.

Jenny took Lucas on a walk tonight. I tried to tell her how much I appreciated it. I hope she could tell how genuine I was. With my knee hurting and my energy levels low and other things to take care of . . . well, I knew I should walk Lucas, but some nights it doesn't get done. Sometimes people do things that are much more inspired than they realize. Thanks, Jenny - you're a fabulous sister.

And on another positive note - I think that I've finally found suitable study partners in my stats and psych of gender classes. 2 different people who seem to be on the same page as me. I actually enjoyed my stats class today cause I had genuine 1-on-1 interaction with one of my group partners. It was good.

OK, time for bed. g'night.

conflict

I've never dealt with conflict well. No, not at all. When I face conflict I can feel the tension build up in my chest. I can't describe it, but it's a bad feeling . . . and it doesn't leave until I feel that the conflict has been resolved.

I guess that I'm a sensitive person. I value peace and harmony more than anything else. I hate to see people fight and argue. I hate myself when I hold dislike for someone in my heart. And the hard part is that as much as I dislike being out of harmony with others, I dislike trying to resolve those issues even more. Just stab my heart with a spoon and twist . . . it feels better than confrontation to me.

I'm not sure why this is such a sore spot for me. Perhaps I learned growing up that it's better to shut it all in than to force it out. Perhaps it's just because of my personality - my white personality.

I was having a fun night out tonight when I ran into a friend of mine. A friend who I have an unresolved issue with. I've been trying to call her and text her in regards to this issue, but she has evaded my calls. So tonight I went right up to her and said in a friendly manner "can I get ________ from you?" to which she replied "oh yeah, we need to discuss that." As if to say "yeah, I know that you want _______, but I have a bone to pick with you". What bone she has to pick with me, I don't know. Am I nervous to "discuss" the issue with her? YES!

I think that tonight I'll pray for courage, understanding, and a sense of peace. Like I said, unresolved conflict = discomfort for me. No good. I want to sleep well tonight.

*sigh* time to pray

swinging into view

blogging has definitely been on my mind lately. Sometimes I feel as though I need to catch up, but I figure it'll be much easier to just start from here on out.

I've lost 27 pounds over the past year. That's a great source of joy and peace in my life. And I continue to lose as I continue to live.

I really like John Matt. I'm so happy when I'm with him. He makes me smile and laugh, he tells me I'm beautiful, he's smart. But (and there's always a but) he can't trust himself with me. So we decided to take a sabbatical. Silly term for taking a break, but it works. We're not dating for a while. We're friends. It's difficult to break the habit of holding his hand or kissing him goodnight. It's difficult to stand my ground and "be good". It's going to require patience in large doses. Can I do it? Yes. Will we go back to dating once the sabbatical is over? We'll see.

Fall is swinging in fast. The mornings are colder and the daylight leaves quickly. Summer nights fade fast. I'm reminded of years past and friends come and gone. Some of them stick around faithfully. Some of them swing into my view momentarily and then swing back away with promises of contact soon.

I've had 4 very good friends get married this year. They all lived on my street. 3 of them lived in the same house at one point. 1 of them lived with me for a while. I see this year as a year of change in many ways for me. There's a song that I've enjoyed for a while now. Gathering Dust by David Gray.

I got no reason
but that I must.
Maybe I feel
like I've been gathering dust.
I must leave this harbor for the sea.
I'm too young to settle down and make a home.
But I don't know where I'm wanting to be . . .
I just know I'll have to be there alone.

Stole my time.
All my time.
Spent my time . . . for you

Now the wind it is blowing
blowing leaves from the trees.
I got no use knowing that with time it will ease.
I don't know where I'm going,
hope I get there soon.
Cause my soul it is hollow as the sorrowful moon.

See the sun spread wings of gold
as the dawn unfurls.
Hear the song that the moon sings
to the darkened world.
Feel the fire lighting
in the bitter cold
It's the light that shines
through the windows of your soul.

This song is motivating. It speaks of moving on. It speaks of going into darkness alone. It speaks of the light that comes after testing and trial . . . through the windows of your soul. I've felt that light before - the light that seems to soften the cold corners of my soul.

This weekend I plan to go through all of my papers to be filed. I have a big laundry basket full of them. I also plan to walk my dog - perhaps in the mountains. Naps will be taken, books will be read, friends will be laughed with. Most importantly, spirits will be lifted through the joys of Sunday worship. I can feel it now - and it makes me want to sing. Perhaps I will ;)